I have had ample opportunity to reflect upon more of my life than I care to admit during the last 6 months.  I have been confronted with my sins and fallibilities.  There are many that like Paul’s thorn in the flesh may never go away and others that I find diminishing over time.  It is my sincere hope that through self-examination, confession and repentance that I will continue to grow into the human God intended me to be on this earth.  One area that has had a radical transformation over time has been my views of violence.  In such a radically either/or culture how does one find a realistic view of violence that is both ethically broad and practically moral?

All too often I find that the justice advocates of my and recent past generations have decided to trumpet peace without even the slightest definition of violence.  This of course was not true for such vital authority on the subject as Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, Dorothy Day, Jacques Ellul, Hannah Aredht and Cesar Chavez.  They came to their theories of peace through a thorough investigation of the dialectically opposite force, violence.  Nor, do I find it very helpful for the hardened peace activists of today to merely parrot views of violence from generations past.  In a world where we have consciences raised to the plight of civilian casualties, clergy abuse, drone attacks, family abuse, rape and hate crimes we must not be complacent in the far too limiting definitions from our past.

I must admit that my own experiences cloud my perspective on violence and make it hard for me to have a non-biased outlook.  I grew up in a family that believed strongly in corporal punishment, I had four frightening encounters with guns from age 18-21 (including being shot at doing children’s programs in Cabrini Green), I served on the board of a battered shelter and I have been an advocate for non-violent resistance for over two decades.  Yet, I am always compelled to re-visit my views of what violence entails and whether I am fully able to morally stand against it when it rears its ugly head.

My personal definition of violence is probably broader than many are willing to live with comfortably.  I believe that it is both words and actions that cause physical or psychic blows against others intended to cause chaos.  Violence is a act that at its core dehumanizes another and sees both their bodies, spirits and minds as inferior to other humans, corporations or states.   There are a canopy of ways in which our culture, government, churches and personal relationships do violent damage to our neighbor’s humanity.  This to me is the essential goal of a spiritual people in that we affirm the full humanity of all human creatures and that striving for peace can then extend to all living creatures on this planet.

So, “Blessed are the peacemakers” has been one of the most important texts from my life.  It is probably because there is so often turmoil in my mind that I feel compelled to practice this as a daily reminder.  I remember the day that I left fundamentalist ideology was the day I was told the Beatitudes where not for us today, but were for another dispensation.  I have strongly affirmed their need for our daily practice in the life of the church ever since.

Early on in my recovery from addiction I was taught that one of the best things for a troubled mind was to pray for the peace of the person you hate or are in conflict with.  This often gets me out of the supposed wrongs that have been done to me and forces me to do the only thing that I have control over in a situation, to pray.  Over the past few months I have encountered attacks from conservatives who disagree with my actions on Gay marriage.  My integrity has been questioned online and in public Presbytery meetings by some who are called to ministry in the Presbytery in which I have recently moved.  I decided the best response was practicing this principle of prayer.  Unfortunately, many of my supposed enemies thought I was joking and making light of them.  This however was not the case.  I did begin to pray for them.   Even in the midst of what I do considered ugliness I have been given a freedom to look at these people as humans.  I do believe that prayer works.

Although, this practice has been formative in making me lose resentments and holds up others in prayer, I do think there is a limit to this practice.  For those who have been severely abused I think this might be a practice that could negate their pain and anger.  I am only suggesting it as a restorative action, but if it leads to self-negating this is harmful to full recovery.

However  we practically respond to violence and chaos in our own personal life I think it is important to hold up one vital principle in our reaction to it in the world surrounding us.  It is embedded in Christ’s exhortation that he came so that we might have life and that it might be more abundant.

Every time that I make a study of violence in my own personal/spiritual life I am left convicted.  I believe, with most mystics, that peace is a byproduct of our own intense spiritual growth.  It is when peace flows from our personal experiences of forgiveness, mercy, justice, grace and love that peace is possible in others.

As a church, neighborhood, society, government and corporation have we fully functioned in a way that brings life and brings it more abundantly?

If we have not it is time for us as spiritual beings to bend our histories toward bring about full and abundant life to all in our spheres.  It is in that striving that we will find our own.

It is with a huge amount of gratitude that I write this toward my wife Carol Howard Merritt.  She has done the huge tasks of getting our move finished on the Arlington end.  Her support and hard work have been nothing less than amazing to me.  I am rarely at a loss for words, but in the face of such amazing work I am speechless.   I just want to let her know how much I love her and appreciate her today.

“Doom to those who devise wickedness, to those who plan evil when they are in bed. By the light of morning they do it, for they are very powerful. They covet fields and seize them, houses and take them away. They oppress the householder and those in his house, a man and his estate…”They must not preach!” so they preach. “They mustn’t preach about such things! Disgrace won’t overtake us.” (Should this be said house of Jacob?) The Prophet Micah

Last week I attended the General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church in the United States of America. It is always a fascinating and often quite painful process for some of us. Will we give basic human rights to our lgbtq community? Do we listen to our Youth Advisory Delegates? Will we shine a light on the present instead of rehearsing past victories in fear of future disasters?

Surprisingly one of the things that gave me the least amount of hope for my denomination was its long and torturous discussion about divestment. I must fully admit that a decade ago, when this was first suggested, I was in full support. Now I think the entire idea is based on the wrong questions and assumptions about peace. I love the people who are pushing this and do not have a strong feelings against it, but think sometimes we get so caught up in an idea we might be missing something larger. In a sense we have missed the forest for the trees in being so bound to market based forces.

What was eventually agreed to was something that is far more troubling theologically than an idea of divestment. It is the idea that positive investment in the market will bring about peace. Believe in the market and capitalism shall set you free? I am not sure, but this seems to me to be an entirely faulty premise according to all that we now know about how capitalism has contributed to the suffering of humans here in the United States and across the globe. It is this type of incremental reform of totally corrupt systems that makes us complicit in their systemic distortions.

A case in point was that while the General Assembly was considering “positive” market based investments the Wall Street Journal was reporting the Interest Rate Manipulation of LIBOR by Barclays and the assumption that many more fraudulent claims by banks would soon be revealed. Since it has been revealed that our current Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was a regulator in 2008 and knew about these fraudulent interest rate manipulations that affected every single American. Still, in the midst of all we know our General Assembly made the assumption that we can know what is positive in a market that has destroyed so many lives.

Whoa you might say. That is getting a bit too technical. That is a bit too radical! We are just trying to do the right thing by investing in the Presbyterian Foundation and our institution’s investment in the Stock Market! Yet, what are we to do when the entire system has proven again and again to be corrupt? Are we making ill gotten gain off the suffering of others through our investments? Are we being stolen from by unscrupulous bankers, brokers and firms? Does relying on the returns on investments and the prohibition of using the “principle” really amount to good stewardship in the midst of what appears to be a depression?

Fortunately, both conservatives and liberals can take solace in the Biblical text. It unhesitatingly condemns the unethical practitioners of grifting business and the corruption of the powerful. From blessing of the poor, to Micah decrying the rich and powerful stealing from the poor, and to James exhorting us to not show favoritism to the rich and powerful over the poor the Bible shows overwhelming evidence that to continue condoning these practices is to be complicit in sin.

Am I asking us to completely divest? I don’t know. I am asking us to at least care and speak out against this immoral group of oligarchs that are principalities and powers and rulers of darkness in this world. This is a call, not to those who are apathetic, but to those who are engaged in faith and justice to rethink these issues for a new generation.

Many of you know that my life circles around writing. Whether it is journaling, liturgy or poetry I find life out of putting pen to paper. I have books filled with thoughts from my mind (much of which I would never share on a blog or anywhere else). This was one of the sole reasons that I started making my own journals was to have books to write in. During the last few months I have not been able to write as much as I would like. I have however been keeping a poetry journal that has sparse entries at best. Yet, I did want to share from it. Here are a couple of offerings of very raw poems (I usually over edit).

6-6-12

Suppression is a percolator
who can only be contained
for a limited time.
Overflowing, whistling
a horrible terror.
Curdling screams
the depth of pain
from hell’s deep corridors.
Staggering violence’s lead
to repression’s halls.
It appears suffering
is a payment somewhere
between survival and strength.

7-12-12

Alone I know
no pretext or layers
shield this mirror.
Sanity drips
torturing the skull cap
from the inside out.

Who are you?
Who are you?
Who are you?

Only God knows!

The more you pray with all your heart for the one who has slandered you, the more readily God reveals the truth to those whom the slander has scandalized.

I was wondering today what would happen if for one day Presbyterians and Charismatics switched rolls in the church? It would be an interesting experiment for a Disney film. The overly analytical, study writing Presbyterians became the shouting, singing, hand waving and tongue speaking Charismatics. Our emotions would be on our sleeves and we would be able to dance in praise to God like David. Wouldn’t that be wonderful to break free and say a hearty hallelujah?

Then there are the Charismatics. They could sit and do an intense depth study of scripture and its historical/cultural contexts. They would study the most current biblical scholarship and their pastors would preach like college professors. Most of all their services would end right on time. Not a minute too soon or too late. They could be like Solomon deciding wisely whose child the two women in front of him were fighting over.

Unity. What can it mean when our expressions are so diverse in our love and praise of Jesus Christ? I am convinced that there is a reason that diversity has persisted from the foundation of the earliest church to our current incarnation. Yet, I yearn for the day that Presbyterians dance like David and Charismatics are as analytical as Solomon. That is my goal today. I want to be uninhibited in my praise of God and wise as a serpent when an accounting of faith is called for. All I know is that I often fall way too short on either account.

We are those who grow old, and we want everyone made to our aged pattern. The Spirit is never old… Oscar Romero
Before I get into an analysis of the 220th General Assembly of the Presbyterian Church I would like to say that the most amazing part of my time here has been talking with so many people that I know online and reconnecting with old friends. That is the main reason that I attend things like this and it has been truly a pleasure seeing them.

I know that I am not alone, but I think this has been the most frustrating GA that I have followed since I have been a part of the Presbyterian Church. The hurt and anger that I feel are pretty raw. For those who have had to see that I truly apologize. Still it feels like that there is not only an abandonment of a certain group whose civil rights are so important to our church catching up to the Holy Spirit, it felt like a complete abandonment of an emerging generation of people.

First, let’s talk about homosexuality since it seems that my denomination can never get enough of “studying” and “listening”. Yet, I sometimes feel that they would answer Martin Luther King Jr’s assertion of why we can’t wait with an Obama chant, “Yes we can!” The Spirit of God has already moved a generation well beyond what our church can say publicly on this issue. So much so that homosexuality is really not an issue for them. For those of us vulnerable to ecclesiastical court persecution I am truly sorry.

Second, I would like to say that this has been one of the most blatantly ageist GA assemblies that I have every noticed. The starkness between the “youth” vote and the “mature” has been clear.  Some people have openly wondered in conversations why any youth attending this GA would stay in a denomination that not only says very little to them about the good news, but almost seems hostile.

Also, sitting through meals where “occupy” is criticized by those who chose to not lend a hand in leadership or its moral direction is deeply disappointing to me and offensive to those that some in he UN have declared had their human rights violated. It is more clear to me than at any other time that there is not a reciprocity in respect for those who fought the “old” battles for justice and the ones who are faithful now. In event after social justice event if feels like unless the aging social justice class is honored then everything currently done is not valid. It is time for my friends to be good allies of a new generation’s justice issues instead of being distant critics.

Finally, there was something that was far less easy to define that pervaded my conversations. It was a deep sense of disappointment and almost resignation that the denomination that so many of us love could be so painful. We will survive, and unlike others who are dissatisfied we are not going anywhere. Yet, I think that the pain that arose this week was something that I had not seen on so many people in one GA. Maybe it was Tara’s resignation that caused it, but I think that was a mere symptom of a deeper pain that many are now feeling. As one who believes we grieve with those who grieve I am sad with those people who feel like something vital was lost here.

My suggestion is that there is hope in the midst of disappointment and frustration. Some of the things that were passed under the radar have the potential to have deep impacts on racial/ethnic ministry and pay equity. Plus, many of us are talking about creating new peace and justice affinity groups that would have the flexibility to address emerging issues like foreclosures and student loan debts (things that were barely addressed this time around).

One of my favorite graffiti says: There is always hope. That is what I will take from the GA. In the midst of frustration and sadness I will return to Mercy Junction and begin the work of something new.

I am off to GA tomorrow! I will be bringing Mercy Junction swag to give away and hope to see a lot of friends their. Congrats to Neal Presa for winning moderator on the 4th ballot. Also, Congrats to good friend Tara for making Vice-Moderator.

People have been asking me if there are any hot button issues that I am watching at this GA. The ones that I am interested in might be surprising to many. My wife’s committee is making a report tomorrow morning. I have watched how difficult navigating this process has been for her. I thank my lucky stars that I have declined to be on any committee work for GA. I am thankful for those who do the work, but wonder why after all the grief they seem to get in public? Sometimes, I just want to tell people to quit being so crabby about everything and chill

I will also be watching the divestment issue quite closely. Many close know my opinions on these issues, but I have never made them public on my blog. I will not here, but if you see me at GA I will talk with you about an issue that I think we oversimplify.

As you probably guess, one of the reasons that I am a Presbyterian because I am really into all of this. I am a dork. When people have come on this blog to question my commitment to the Presbyterian Church I laugh inside. I actually read these reports.

If you are at GA come by and say hello. There are never strangers, just friends I haven’t met yet.